I hate it so much, I decided to be naughty and condemn the five-paragraph essay in a five-paragraph essay. Despite this long tradition, the five-paragraph essay is fatally flawed.
It cheapens a student’s thesis, essay flow and structure, and voice.
In conclusion, the five-paragraph essay is an effective way to remove all color and joy from this earth.
It would be better to eat a flavorless dinner from a partitioned plate than to read or write a five-paragraph essay.
If we return to the partitioned-plate analogy, foods are separated, but in food, there is a play in blending flavors, pairing them so that the sum is greater than the individual parts. Most people like dessert and anticipate it eagerly.
In the five-paragraph essay there is no anticipation, only homogeneity, tedium, and death.Reading over their own work, these writers will wonder why they ever bothered with the written word to begin with, when they sound so inhuman.A human’s voice is not slotted into bins of seven to eleven sentences apiece.However, when eating from a partitioned plate, a diner might have a bite of burger, then a spoonful of baked beans, then back to the burger, and then the macaroni salad.The palate satisfies its complex needs for texture, taste, choice, and proportion.A human voice meanders—but meaning guides the meandering. It does not scoop blobs of foodstuff in endless rows.If Oliver Twist were confronted with such blobs of written porridge, he would not ask for more.Students don’t find their voices this way and come to college hating how they sound in writing, particularly in the essay form.As a high-school survivor of this form and now a teacher occasionally receiving it from students trying their best, I have to say I hate this abomination. Or not.] From the dawn of time, or at least the dawn of the modern high school, the five-paragraph essay has been utilized in high school classrooms.Confidence is shattered, and students can’t articulate a position, having only the training of the five-paragraph essay dulling their critical reasoning skills.Moreover, unlike Midas whose touch turns everything to gold, everything the five-paragraph essay touches turns to lead.